Twining Circular, (TC003), – How not to send an email to communicate an important matter effectively.

These guidelines are suggested for important people wishing to communicate, via email, any extraordinary event, like the fact that Mr Ghaffur is taking the Met and Sir Ian to tribunal. These are Twining’s guideline “Dont’s” for communicating very important information via email.

The “Dont’s” of email sending

(1) Don’t send an email which suggests that something is happening in the NBPA or in the country, of consequence, when the precise content of the email actually doesn’t tell the recipient what the hell it is that is actually occurring.

(2) Please avoid stating comments like Mr Ghaffur’s plight when you don’t actually explain what the plight is, thereby understanding that the recipient might not know what the plight of Mr Ghaffur is.

(3) Note that such actions as at (1) and (2) will cause the following extreme reactions:

(a) They confuse NBPA members, causing much head scratching, thereby giving the impression that we may have lice, fleas, or even VD, if the scratching involves one’s nether regions.

(b) They cause frantic phone calls up and down the country, from offices and smart cars, whilst wearing darkened sunglasses, thereby giving the impression that people look rather important. Such phonecalls, whilst wearing the latest designer sunglasses, also have the effect of jamming police phone lines for 2 days.

(c) Since these emails create the perception that something important has happened they also may cause panic and sometimes rioting in the homes of Black colleagues who do not know the full extent of what has happened because they haven’t been informed, and when they ask their other half, more confusion is caused, thereby resulting in police attendance to police officer’s houses to enquire into what has happened.

Here-by ends a lesson on the art of writing an email relating to a VERY IMPORTANT EVENT in the hope that managers may learn not to do this rather bizarre action of sending infomration with no meaning. I am sure that this type of email is OFTEN sent by people like the email queen, the princess of darkness and very important people all over the country. Sergeant  Twining would be eternally grateful therefore if these people would desist forthwith such actions and follow a more common sense approach like mine.