Keeping those ethnics in check – revised internal policy

February 13, 2007

By Order of the Twining Act 2007, section 2, I here-by authorise myself, Chief Constable Twining, to produce 10 vital protocols to keep the BPA and NBPA in check. These protocols have served since well, around 1995, and they have worked well for me. Pass these protocols forthwith within your Forces and beyond and keep some radicals in check innit.

  1. Don’t let the BPA into any meeting surrounding race equality.

  2. Simply ignore any emails or letters that you recieve. They will simply go away if you keep shtmmmm for long enough.

  3. Even if the BPA do get in to a meeting that you have banned them from then have a pre-meeting to discuss their attendance. Ensure the minutes to such meetings are innacurate always. Shoo shoo.

  4. Fully control the funding of the BPA. Give them no more than £500 per annum and make it absoutely clear that under no circumstances are they to use the limited £500 funding to support any legal claims whatsoever.

  5. Only release “sell outs”, cough cough, to serve on the NBPA. That way you can be sure that they will leak information to you and you can control them as well as your local BPA.

  6. Make sure that the NBPA deals with any troublesome ethnics that you have in your Force. The troublesome one’s will end up challenging the NBPA, allowing us free time to do what we do best, NOTHING! No change mean no gains for others and more gain for me and you of course.

  7. Tap all phones. Tap all phones to ensure there are no terrorists anywhere.

  8. Recruit a BPA co-ordinator. Make sure he drinks like a fish and is unable to stand up or talk coherently in meetings. Send these persons on jolies abroad to keep them out of your way.

  9. Promote “tokens”, i.e those that have not a clue, and are incompetent. That way they can do your PR for you and when things go wrong you can always blame someone else.

  10. Finally if all else fails, sack them all, all of them, dismiss them. Work well with HR. Choose you HR Director well. I say refuse them entry. Yes the HRD, refuse them.

By order of me, Chief Constable Twining, (Lord), I order the Chief Officers of the 43 force of England and Wales to here-by adopt this policy and actions immediately. I say immediately.


Chief Constable Twining, (Feb 2007),




  1. Chief Constable SIR!!!
    I am curious to know what Section 1 of the Twining Act entails…..

  2. Less of the Sir!!!But since you ask… Now, Section 1 of the Twining Act, and I am loving this, relates to the unlawful sending of police emails to Inspector G, DC, PC Bloggs, and others. Section 1 makes it an offence, and amends the Theft Act to include such emails as loony property. I have a section on section 1 in my blog. To be honest I hate the games that people play. When people play games, we have lost our dignity. So, in my anger I just scribed and produced Section 2. Now, you take care. And keep writing my friend.

  3. Mmmmmmmmm, thought provoking and perhaps a bit too close to the ‘reality’ of a few people’s experiences I fear? Chief Constable Twining perhaps should have stayed on one of the family tea estates running the family business, for he/she does produce exceedingly good tea (especially the Earl Grey, my particular favourite). Unfortunately for CC Twining (who may be fictional, but reminds me of ACPO and the Home Office).

    Joking aside though, we really should join the twenty first century and stop running the Police ‘Service’ under the rules of the plantation. Surely this year we are meant to be acknowledging the two hundredth anniversary of the Abolition of the Slave Trade bill.

  4. Interesting Ruwan. Are you saying that Chief Constable Twining is actually behaving like the Home Office and the Chief Constable of Enagland and Wales? Hmmmm. CC Twining had no idea…….

  5. I just feel that the Twining family should stick to what it does best…..that is produce tea!

  6. The Home Office on the other hand just sits back and drinks ‘Twinings’ and prefers not to pass judgement although it does support and propagate ‘Twinings Dictum’.

  7. Oi this isn’t really my dictum, though I do consider it to be the Dictum of our fairy Chief officers. Oops, I meant pink and fluffy Chief Officers, not fairy.

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