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Twining Chronicles – Federation Conference – 4

May 21, 2007


Federation Conferece 2007 – Reid V Cameron

Twining reports from Blackpool. Oh damn, it’s raining! Conference witnessed a massive heavyweight contest between the Home Secretary and the leader of the Conservatives. Sadly the leader of the Liberal Democrats just threw the towel in as Ming Campbell was prepared to give to a Royal Commission, but then he was never coming into the ring, so he was prepared to give anything. But he did seem genuine, old but genuine.

Reid walked into Conference to the music of Rocky, whilst Gordon Brown was stuck somewhere else, he never made it into the ring, (tra la la la la). I meant he never made it to Conference. The Scot was soon bounced back onto the rails by Jan Berry with a jab. In her address to him she stated he had promised much and delivered little. Reid was sadly knocked for the count, though he did admit reading police blogs. I wonder whether he reads this? Berry said, “don’t push our members too far, for they might have to take the only action available to them, strike.” Well, she said something like this anyway.

Twining was all ready with the picket signs reading, “freedom,”, “free me”, and “free Gadget.” Reid was honest but seeing as he was leaving he didn’t appear to care. The Scot sipped from his hip flask as he left, and Ming Campbell even gave him a pat on the back followed by an upper cut. For what only God knows. Finally having succumb to the whisky, Reid was escorted out humming, “Yankee Doodle came to town, riding on a pony.” Twining thinks this must have something to do with George Bush inavading Iraq, who knows, because by then the Scot was drunk.

Cameron, on the other hand, appeared, as a colleague said, to be the next leader after Brown. He was slick and that wasn’t just his brylcreamed hair. He appeared sober too! Appear being the operative word. The Conservatives had prepared a paper on policing. Ooo! Conference spoke about the necessity of conducting research with ACPO and the Home office as stakeholders. By this time Reid was on a plane, so you coudln’t count on the Home Office and Nick Herbert, the shadow police minister, or summit, had mysteriously left with San Ction Detection. Folks you do remember San right? Twining did put on the text board then, “Will Nick Herbert commit to this research now?” The politician was nowhere to be seen, typical. Rumour has it that he walked San to the pier and then pushed him off into the rough sees. Upon questioning, Herbert stated, San had slipped! My foot! The Conservatives had pushed him overboard. Never trust a politician.

Then something uncanny happened, Cameron slipped, not literally, but he became affixed on a red leather jacket cladded delegate from Essex. In awe of this woman, the delegate’s response was cunning, “It’s a dangerous colour for you Mr Cameron.”

At this point Cameron was seen to take a spliff from one of the JCC. It was difficult to see who it was as they were dressed in a balaclava. Was it the man with the bow tie? As Cameron was leaving Twining tried to approach Cameron to sell him more spliffs, but Twining was jumped on by the ever-caring Inspectors from his board. Damn, an opportunity to make profits was gone. Rumour has it that the Met were good at jumping around at Conference, jumping on the poor females of Blackpool. This is Twining reporting to you as to events in Blackpool. This bout was won well by Cameron, even though he smokes da spliffs innit!

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