Bullshit baffles brains as Southwest says

July 4, 2007

main_top1.gifHere’s This is my take on it. The classy picture come from Oceans 11. The dufus’s, they nicked it from us and used it in the film. This was us walking out of Conference.

In Shireshire, surprise surprise, on the internal IT systems, there was a message from one of the SMT stating there was no specific threat to Shireshire but we needed to remain vigilant and we needed to reassure our minority commmunities.  This sort of statement is apparantly the “in thing” in race and diversity and it is bull, but then driving home yesterday I had a vision, a dream. This is how it went.

There was an urgent Conference in relation to terrorism in London. The big wigs were present. You name it, they were there. The head of anti terrorism, Sir Ian Blair was there, my Chief was there, all the Chiefs were there. So if these wigs were here, who the hell was running the 43 Forces in England and Wales, I thought? You can’t trust these Chief to run businesses, they would be off at Conference somewhere. The in theme was reassurance.

And then came a comment from one of the big wigs, “You must ensure your teams visit every Indian restaurant in your area and every grocers that is Asian, and reassure them.”

Now in this vision, guess who was there at this conference with me? Have you guessed yet? No, OK I’ll tell you. Gadget was there sitting next to Southwest, UNPC, (dressed as a Ninja), Sergeant Simon, and Noddy. And we had a few questions you see.

Gadget started by saying, “This is b—l—s. When can I go back to Ruralshire.” Unfortunately the Staff Officer to the Chief was eyeing Gadget up badly as Gadget continued to mutter.

The Chief then said, “Any questions?” Immediately all of us raised our hands. The Chief said, “Gadget, what’s your question?” “Well Sir, how do we do what we do and find time to visit all the take-aways.” The Chief said, “next question please.”

Gadget muttered, “boll—s.” Then the staff officer intervened and glared at Gadget. Ooo and was Gadget scared? No way.

I then raised my hand, and the Staff Officer muttered, “It’s only Twining. Ignore him and he’ll go away.” Hmm I thought, “Noddy wake up, ask them whether they realise that all Indian resturants are not MUSLIM and  all people want is to go about their normal lives, so they just want normality not some Copper knocking on their door and saying, you allright mate.” 

Noddy stood up and said, “Oi och aye, did ye hear me mate Twining here, aye aye, blurb blurb blurb and we ainte gonnar visit the restaurants. Alrite. Up the Jock.” Jesus I thought, Noddy got a round of applause.

Gadget was still sitting in the corner sulking whilst UNPC and Sergeant Simon were playing cards. The silly Staff officer then walks up to us and nicks the cards. “Boring sod!” Gadget then says, “See that Staff Officer, he’s so stuck up the…..”

I said, “gadget, no, stop.” Gadget then said, “What time is it? I want to go. I really do. I need to go for a pee.” UNPC said, “yeah bet that geezer Staff Officer will play cards afterwards with the Chief and the Excel Queen.” I then raised my hand again. The fools I thought, they are ignoring me.

Then, like a plane, like a bird, they flew in. It was Big fella, Franky and thin Blue Line.  They put me on their shoulders and shouted, “Oi you, are you listening to our mate Twining.” We all got a round of applause.

I then said, “Listen folks all I wanted to say was,” and then everything went quiet. I continued, “Have you heard about PC Blogg’s new book, I would suggest you buy it. That’s all I really wanted to say.” The whole conference rumbled with laughter.

The Chief was seething. Gadget giggled and it’s not often we see that. The Staff Officer was summonsed and Gadget, UNPC, Sergeant Simon, Noddy, Franky, Thin Blue Line, Southwest Big fella, and me; well we walked out together, with Blogg’s book in our hands; as a team. Wow what a dream, and what a plug for Bloggs! As we left we heard a growl and a bark. It was Which end bites, he had apparantly just bitten the Staff Officer’s butt and legged it. Luckily the Staff Officer didn’t see him, and there were no other witnesses. 

Not leaving it there, a Chief had a go at my mate Thin blue Line by waving an excel spreadhseet at him. Bad move, bad move I thought. Oops, suddenly there was an “eee aww” noise and the same Chief felt a Donkey kick in the legs and the Chief’s legs went. The funny thing is no one saw anything. Hmm. You  really don’t want to be kicked by Donkey. This could be Gadget’s Oceans 11 but I have not said who the rest of our Oceans 11 are, have I?



  1. Please tell me….who is the Excel Queen?

  2. Personally, I would love to visit the restaurants. I couldn’t leave without having a curry!

  3. Hey annette, what do you think of the new look? Argh the Excel queen? I am hoping that Thin Blue Line will explain. Hope you are well.

  4. I like the new look, Twining. And it’s easier to leave a comment. No more filling in those awful username things etc.Take care.

  5. The Excel Queen was the cause of the stroppy e-mail The Thin Blue Line received. Basically, she was complaining that she was having to do too many checks (which were her job to do).

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