If I were Commissioner for the day….

August 11, 2007

What would I do? Well. Because it’s so bloody unlikely that I would be Commissioner, and I owe this title idea to Whichendbites, what are 5 things that I would immediately do to make things better?

Now consider this article a tag, by virtue of Section 4, I think that is what we are on, yes, Section 4 of the Twining Act 2006 refers to being the Commisioner for a day.  I may tag you! And you have to tell us all 5 things you would do.

In article 1 of this section I would sack Sir Ian Blair, so that I could become The Commissioner, not for a day, but for a longer period of time, thereby allowing me to follow through my vision, which I would copyright.

I would immediately sack two other Senior Officer’s from the Met. Guess who? I would also get the Commissioner to accept full responsibility for the de Menezes incident. His pension and the pension of the Commander in charge, (or not in charge as it seems), on the day of 21/07 would be used to payout the family of Jean Charles.  That would resolve this issues. Justice is rough and it’s about time someone served some on the “elite.” I would then line these people up and get everyone to throw wet sponges at them and their Staff officer’s too. I would bring in article 2 which would Allow me sole right to sack other Chief Officer’s too. The sooner we get rid of this political liberal elite the better. You know, the types that mean a  good job, but actually do alot of talking, and nothing in between. The time for politicians is over. I would then promote everyone on my sidebar to ACC in their respective Forces.

Article 3 – I would revert back to less PCSO’s and more PC’s quickly and push the operational frontline into operational proactive and reactive patrols. 

Article 4 – I might have only three squads, fraud, drugs, and well, my squad. The rest would be uniform. 

Article 5 – Tea with Southwest, Noddy, Roses, UNPC, Sergeant says, Dickie, Whichendbites, Franky, Big fella, Bloggs, etc. in a Kilt.  Yes we would all wear kilts. OK, I meant a curry, not tea. And this we would do once a week to ensure policing is moving in Twining’s direction.  Wear kilts  I mean, we would all wear kilts at least once a week. Oh, and I would introduce black shirts, and more comfortable combat type trousers for Operational Officers. 

Who am I going to tag?



  1. I tag erm, Noddy, Roses, Southwest, TUPC, erm Sergeant Says, Which end bites, erm. Dickie, GND, erm Thin Blue Line. Haven’t finished yet, Big fella, and Franky and Panda. You have been tagged.

  2. Thanks very much. If it’s okay with you, I’ll pass on the kilt. Tartan, just isn’t my colour.

    Yeah, I see what you mean about my blog. I have no idea why it’s being a pain. I keep looking for the ‘contact us’ button to lodge a complaint, but blogger.com seems to have hidden it.

  3. Section 4 of the Twining Act- Brilliant, we live in hope!

    I think the kilt is the best article, they are just not worn enough in my opinion – I’d even consider one instead of combat trousers . Weekend public order patrol could get interesting mind. I think you’d make a popular Commissioner, we need good honest leaders.

    One question concerns me though – At what point do you think many of the “top cops” stop being coppers and join the liberal elite? Were they secretly always following the party line “on the quiet,” (until they got their personal office), or do they really inwardly cringe when they support the political agenda, knowing they are no longer using their experience, integrity and humanity to help the society in which they live.

    One example could be certain top-bods who blame cheap alcohol for the death of a father defending his property, the top cop’s view. Not the fact those who killed him are habitual criminals who have never been properly punished for their crimes,the front-line bobbies view.

    Then there are all the examples highlighted in your blog and others, where the political reaction and actual reality can make you wonder if you’ve eaten the wrong berries at lunch. In this current situation, the weekly kilts and curry meetings should be approved, and rightly so, even without Sec. 4 of the Twining Act. However, the other articles are far too sensible.

    **backloads cuffs, and walks off to find an un-locked bicycle**

  4. Anonymous last your entry is priceless, brilliant! Thank you; your entry is what blogging is about. I think once they are on the train and want to go beyond Inspector the gravitational pull of promotion must be immensely uncontrollable for these academics; often leading to a total lack of common sense and an increase in one’s own “self” preservation; as in their preservation.

    I am glad Section 4 of The Twining Act meets your approval. I also think the Kilt is a fine idea, together with curry meetings. This meets my approval too.

    Can we find me one top cop with integrity and humanity? Those that have got there have often stamped all over others to get there. We have to blame the predecessors of the current leaders. The current crop are no more than “mirror images” of their predecessors, erm what I meant to say is well they are dinosaurs.

    You know the unlocked bicycle you have just taken, I do hope it’s a police cycle! Your welcome here. In short, we are damned by some of these police leaders. That’s me being polite. I think you get the giste of the word I am trying to say here. Perhaps you could be Commissioner? By the way, do you really think the wearing of a kilt warrants section 4 of The Twining Act? When people talk about section 4, they will be talking about the Twining Act. Cool!

  5. Twining, I certainly think you should be Commissioner, not me- I am but a special who is yet to start the crazyness of The Job full-time. I only work around half the number of hours a regular officer works, split between response and SNT. So I know I must just miss all the ‘good’ political ideas, and only by pure chance see the “useless/mad/bad” ones. Just as every repeat young offender I arrest needs “guidence”, every wife-beater, “won’t do it again”, and every drink-driver, “only had one!”

    If you become Commissioner, you can sort things out from the top- with common sense and humanity. Until then, we will continue toiling at the bottom of the leadership ladder, despite the madness we often face brought about by the latest big idea from the office. I will smile tonight, should I speak of section 4 – (imagining the pink panther in a kilt, eating curry while meeting with the other police bloggers, also in their kilts).

    I could indeed only find police bikes- everyone else had unfortunatly secured theirs! Not to worry, the PCSO’s are out on the skateboards, and I’m now authorised to run on patrol, so hopefully we may get one tonight- otherwise the new initiative will fail, and that cannot happen!

    **zips up high-viz, adjusts safety glasses, and sets off at a trot**

  6. Well Dear freind, my message to all police Bloggers is the same, just you take care. Commissioner Twining does have a kind of a ring to it….

    Hmm….I can just imagine an arrest for Section 4 and a police officer saying, “I arrested him for section 4.” The Judge would ask, “please explain?” The PC would reply, “I Twining’d him.” At that point the Judge would be totally lost, not that they are lost anyway! Henceforth we will look upon Section 4 and remember Twining in the same vain. People who commit this threatening misdemeanour against public order will be Twining’d.

    It is good to have a laugh. And I have to say your posts have made me smile. Anonymous, you be Commissioner, I really don’t want to be a stuck up, political do gooder, who doesn’t know what they are doing. Alas I don’t think you want to be Commissioner either…..Well we’d better leave it to Sir Ian and his Staff Officer’s….Shame that…Anonymous you know that initiative, Twining says, fail the initiative dude, if it’s a silly one.

  7. Sorry Pee Pee, been bizzie!

    If I was Commissioner (what are they?) for the day, I’d shut the Polis down and see if:

    1 – It made any difference.

    2 – What a mess there would be and folk would really appreciate us then.

    3 – It would give us a day off to have tea (lapsong souchong for me please) in our skirts (I’m alllowed to say that you know!)

    p.s. Miss Pink Cat told me she is busy just now with Top Cat, but will get round to your alley eventually.

  8. As an officer who attended the stockwell incident, I suggest you place your anger at the crap radio systems we have in place .. that is the true reason of the demise of de Menezes.

    Less PCSO’s? Perhaps.. But lets just look at the extremely poor and substandard QUALITY of MOST of the PCSO’s, address that and have them the calibare of sworn Constables and no one will truly complain, (of course its policing on the cheap).

    3 squads… what about Firearms, CSU, Sapphire , child abuse .. please .. specialists for special roles will allways be needed.

    Tea? I fancy a gin and tonic followed by a curry then of down stringfellows if you dont mind.

  9. Now, this is very confusing, there are indeed two thin blue lines. I am in no position to criticise attending officer’s. If Senior Officer’s have been rather economical with the truth with what followed to protect their own butts, and the butt of the Commissioner, then this is not so good.

    This needs to change, they can’t keep covering butts up the Chain. They are pretty good at dishing it out down the chain. Now, re: Stringfellows; I must admit to having seen some of the Met Federation contingent dancing at Blackpool last Conference and they could certainly move on the dance floor.

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