Twining plans to raid Sir Ian into submission

September 14, 2007


I have just held some very secret meetings with Big fella, Frankyfact, Southwest, UNPC, Whichendbites, Marja, Roses and Bloggs. A raid is being planned on Sir Ian to lead the service out of this mire. The purpose of this raid is simple, it is fivefold. The objectives are even simpler.

(1) The primary objective is the total and unequivocal removal of the headscarf so I can have it, for me. But now Bloggs wants it because she says it goes well with her evening dress. No, it’s mine. 

(2) The protection of Sir Ian is our second aim, so that he doesn’t cut himself with the blade he has. Big fella this one’s down to you. You must remove the said blade form the Commisioner. If necessary, Taser his Staff Officer’s. That will keep them obedient, not that they are not obedient at all. That’s their role in life, and promotion of course. Roses as the Staff Officer’s look at you, you can distract them with your good looks and perfumed fragrance for Big fella to make the hit. 

(3) To take Sir Ian away for further interrogation, Southwest, this is where you come in. We have to hide Sir Ian and I am hoping your striking good looks, (Spock like), will make Sir Ian believe he has been abducted by aliens. Marja it is your job to speak to Sir Ian in Dutch so that he doesn’t have a clue, not that he has a clue anyway.

(4) Whichendbites you must secure the golf club, which Sir Ian frequents so the operation runs smoothly. UNPC, you are a Ninja Turtle. And if all else fails and Sir Ian’s SMT turn up at the golf club, tai chi them into meditation.

(5) Bloggs, the interview is down to you. What do you want to question Sir Ian about?



  1. First of all I am honoured to be part of this important mission. This is what I am going to say to Sir Ian “Wij halen die zakdoek van je hoofd en ik ben benieuwd wat eronder zit.”

  2. Marja I am beginning to like this, I have ideas of how to make Sir Ian talk as well, but Marja, wait a bit, I am asking anyone that comes onto the blog, to guess what that means. Then we’ll ask you what it really means.

    I think I can get the National Black Police Assocation to fund your travels across to the UK. By the way Dickiebo, and his quiff, are under cover. No one knows, but it’s his job to ensure Sir Ian is bungled into my Nissan Primera and to drive him away. talking about Anguila should quieten Sir Ian down a bit.

  3. This is funny. Anything I can do to help?

  4. Annette, yes, I was thinking of Cheese and Cucumber sandwiches, but the sterotype just hit me in the face, so we won’t go there. If the stereotype didn’t hit me, either you or GND would have. How about when we search the Commissioner’s residence you and Girl Next Door take a lead here. You are most welcome to conduct a fashion review of the his and hers wardrobe. Do you think he has Combat trousers and a bandana. Oops sorry, he’s wearing a bandana. Hmm, you hav given me a thought. At the same time I say we raid the HMIC Sir Ronnie Flannigan, or Ronnie Old Boy as I call him. Hmm, I have to figure out that one. Annette, might need your help there also. Have a think. Why are we raiding Ronnie? What will we find? Who is going to lead. And are we going to interrogate Ian and Ronnie together?

  5. Twining, Who was better? Ian Blair or Sir Paul Condon?

  6. Jesus Christ, another idea. Let’s raid Condie to….Seriously, I think Ian, and I don’t think he deserves to be call Sir, is a yes man, he is there for politicians, he is stubborn, and I believe does not give his leaders a chance, unless the leader is Dick.

    He has favourites and I am led to believe Commander Dick is one of them, but mention the word gun to her, and she gets pretty annoyed, (Stockwell). I am advised she loses it over Stockwell and won’t mention Stockwell at all. A colleague of mine worked with her around this time and I was advised she is extra stubborn. He hated it. She is right and that is that, that’s what I was told.

    Paul Condon or Condie, I think has balls, figure of speech of course. Condon though never came clean on racism, and Ian is the same in this way. But in terms of leadership and the Met, Condie wins. Scribblesheet, may I ask, who are you?

  7. I support Sir Ian’s right to wear this head garment but intend to question him about the colour and whether he should have considered a less political choice.

  8. I thought I was abstract Bloggs……I am even described as random by colleagues, and indeed I am, but you, you are something else…..You mean to say Ian is Virgil from Thunderbird’s? Is that what you mean? Personally, I was rather hoping Ian would sport the orange, green and white of India.

    Honestly, for God’s sake, if he wanted to do it properly, he should have worn the tri-colour of India, or failng that he could have worn the Black of New Zealand, because New Zealand is like not too far from India. Has anyone seen Southwest, (aka Spock)? I swear he’s a Romulan. By the way Bloggs I totally defend your right to defend Ian’s right to wear a head scarf. But did you see Ian Wright’s celebration when Phillips-Wright scored against Israel?

  9. Good grief. What a twat. Oops. Did I type that out loud? I’ll happily drive the getaway car, as long as it’s like Jason Statham’s car in The Transporter II.

  10. I’ll leave all the heavy work to you guys. o.k.? I’ll make the tea and bacon buttys for when you get back.

  11. Roses. I think Dickie might call him a WALLY. Clearly you think he’s a twit. I think he looks like Virgil. Marja has spoken to him in Dutch. God knows what she has said. And Bloggs just wants to defend his right to wear it; but she dislikes the colour. Typical lady. That just leaves Girl Next Door. Annette, I’m a vegitarian!

    I have GND down for distractionary, distractionary, not discretionary duty also, but no shopping mind you. Roses, sorry, I WANT TO DRIVE THE FAST CAR! OK, OK, I GIVE IN, YOU CAN DRIVE THE CAR TOO but your first task is to distract the Staff Officer’s. Dickie is going to bring back a 1970’s Granada for the job, not just one, but 3. We’re going to do this Sweeney stylee.

    Roses, erm, how are you and GND going to do distract Ian? Hey, will someone just remind me why am I doing this raid? If it’s just so Bloggs can question Ian about the colour of his scarf, that’s simply not good enough. I want more performance, detection’s and targets. And if we don’t hit those targets I’ll send us all an email and copy it in to the bosses.

    I think we want to know what colour his undies are? Whether he wears Calvin Klein boxers? Indeed, whether he wears PJ’s and a red satin dressing gown. Does he like hot chocolate? I like hot chocolate, I believe in miracles, where you from?, but really I think Bloggs needs to question him more. Like, does he like tartan skippers, I mean slippers, not tartan Sergeants. Calm down Noddy! By the way I do believe that the editor of Police Review has found this piece rather hilarious. I have no idea why. It’s just Twining doing his thing.

    If Ian finds out, I’ll be for the gallows. I don’t like gallows. And when they talk about a raid on the Monday morning ring round with Ian, his Staff Officer’s will be chuckling about Twining’s raid. Yee-hahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

  12. Oh, sorry didn’t realise you were a veggie. I’ll do you a veggie curry then, hows that?

  13. You mean there will be poppadums and mint chutney and naan bread and paneer. Deal. OK folks, listen in. The raid is planned for an undisclosed day and date, namely tomorrow morning at the All Gents Glof Club in Hyde Park, we brief outside Selfridges at 0800 hours. But I can’t tell you that, it’s classified. I can’t give you the time, date and location of the briefing I am afraid.

    Plain clothes please, except Dickie, he comes with his quiff. Bloggs in here now, you can sell the book laters, listen in. And Franky behave, I want you concentrating on this. Stop clipping Southwest round the ear. He’s not Spock, that’s just his avatar. Big fella, bring your tickets for section 5. I want to be able to clip Ian around the ear with those. See if that brings any sense in Ian. Roses, just bring lots of Hermes. Annette, shp at Asda, cool prices there.

    Dickie, I need a location to take Ian to, where Bloggs can interrogate him further. It has to have cooking facilities,a sauna, and a gym so in between interrogation we can look and feel good. 0800 hours we brief. Dickie three cars please, all with Kojak type blue lights. You drive one, Roses the other. The other one’s for me to export to Nigeria. Right. When you all get here tomorrow I’ll brief you further. Marja, I need to know about special Dutch interrogation techniques; we can certainly adopt karatchi cops as I have contacts out there. UNPC, we need you specialist firearms and taser knowledge, but I expect you to bring AK47 type water shooters. If all else fails, tyou and Dickie, just Kung fu the Staff Officer’s. Has anyone seen GND? Oops forgot, it;s her birthday.Birthday or no birthday I expect her to be here tomorrow sharp-ish. OK if she’s like 1 hour late that’s cool.

  14. You really mean this raid don’t you!

  15. Yep, I mean this, especially in light of adopting a less aggressive method of subduing staff officer’s, i.e AK47 type water shooters.

  16. Haha, I am young south Londoner who pays too much attention to politics.

  17. Sorry guys, missed all this! Twining, I’m very, very good at distraction/distracting, either myself or other people. I also have an eye for fashion so am quite happy to tot up crimes that would make the fashion police weep. I’d also volunteer for the driving of the fast car but that probably isn’t such a good idea….


  18. Good to have you on board GND. As you can see fashion will be a viatl debrief issue in the case of Ian.

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