The day I MOT’d my car and interviewed 200 weeks!

May 5, 2008

This week the humble Sergeant Twining drove all the way to Luton and met up with 200 weeks. Why Luton, well, only God knows that?  We met early doors in a cafe off of the main M1 right next to a MOT testing station so that I could sit and interview 200 weeks at the same time. 

We had breakfast and waited for my car to be MOT’d. In amongst the smell of oil and petrol we ate, the old geezer had a full English, whilst I had cha,  paratha, and lemon pickle.

This is how the interview went…..I started by asking 200 weeks, “Tell me 200 old bean, when do you retire? Er and is that a real RAF moustache you sport? Are you Indian?

A “Walls have ears, I am therefore limited to saying I have between  34,512,073,846 &  25,665,094,004 milliseconds before I retire, no make that 34,512,071,232, no 34,512,069,985 no…….”

Q “Do you think I can get a deal here with my MOT? Oh my god! You mean Chiefs have eyes and ears and you mean PSD’s are watching and hearing through walls now? Hmm, I thought they had Staff Officer’s for that role….. Dude, my maths is so bad, but what you have answered here appears to be some sort of meteorological code; a bit like the goodness gracious me you tube video I posted some time ago.I say, “Chak-de” I like a police officer that has a the ability to confuse staff offices with figures. Excellent. And, what is the favourite car you have owned and like why? Is it a Datsun? If it isn’t what do you remember about the Japanese cars of the 70’s?”

A “The car I have owned I liked best was German. I liked it because it was red, and fast. I don’t remember the Japanese cars of the 70s though my dad told me about them.”

Q “I knew it, I absolutely knew it, you have been watching that darned program again; which I quite like; Ashes to Ashes. It’s a Red Datsun Sunny you like, right? I love those too. So cool. I had one once. Red and fast, well, isn’t it? So, what will you miss most about the service when you become a full time painter and decorator, when you retire that is? I remember my uncle had a 180bSSS; it shifted.”

A “I will miss the free T shirts. For the first time in 30 years I will have to go and buy a shirt. Just to help me through I  put in for my annual allocation of 3 shirts in April, I will put in for 3 more in May and probably 3 more in August, the records stores keep are so poor they’ll probably give them to me. I also have 16 unopened shirts in my wardrobe! When I retire I’ll just tell everyone I’m a security guard on my way home whenever I see anyone. I suppose I could wear them backwards for my painting & decorating, just like I wore my dad’s shirts backwards at infant school.”

Q “You wore your dad’s shirts backwards, would you do the same with our shirts? So, that’s 3 + 3 + er? I hate maths…..So, what is your deal with Monday books?”

A “The same as yours…non existent.”

Q “Well, erm, er, OK, thanks for that! Let’s set up a Support Association,  the Police Bloggers Association, (PBA). What do you say to that 200? If you had a chance to say something to Jacqui Smith, apart from a street caution for cannabis, (detected of course), what might it be?  And no, it cannot be in Swahili. Do you think Smith will support the PBA, she doesn’t support the BPA!”

A “I’d say, it’s no wonder you got voted out, you were piss poor.”

Q You mean Jacqui was piss poor, what er big big poor or just poor poor? If she’s big big poor that’s bad. She lost her seat in Redditch too. So what is she doing in the Cabinet I wonder; perhaps they just employ some incompetent people tokenistically? Shall we give her a Twining GONG? Hey 200 weeks I have to go………Ciao. My car has passed it’s MOT…..See you 200 weeks…..And with that I was gone……back onto the motorway my car rusting a little and providing good ecomony; but not before myself and Clouseau had searched for the GONG and that dreaded Smithy.



  1. Not quite Paxman or Ross, but I was told it had it’s own unique style.

  2. It? It? Yoyo? It? Who is this Paxman character? It?

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