The Twining Chronicles – Issue 21 Saturday May 10th 2008 – An audience with PC Bobby DazzlerMay 9, 2008
It was a Sunday morning; the birds were chirping; we met just outside New Scotland Yard. Knowing full well that the Commissioner would be golfing I decided to ply the Staff Officer’s to Sir Ian Blair with Russian vodka especially brought to us by that Abramovich for Noddy, who then donated it to me. I knew Staff Officer’s could be bought, but this easily? We were shortly led to some plush offices at NSY.
Posing as an Arabian King and a bodyguard our hosts appeared BEDAZZLED as they drank MY vodka and remembered Sir Ian. “Don’t you just love these high chairs,” I said to Bobby. “You look good dressed as an Arabian King,” he replied. I don’t think Staff Officer’s can see further than their own careers I thought, hmmm, as I looked at my drinking fellows and the views over Victoria. PC Dazzler and me, well we just chatted.
“So Bobby, Bobby’s like a name of a dog, not that you are a dog, that would not be politically correct of me to say that. It would be “dogist” and I am sure you are not a dog because dog’s can’t write and you write exceptionally. Where did you find this name? Naming is so much a cultural matter; please do explain to us how culturally you have come about with the name Bobby Dazzler because I am baffled. Shall we have some Tea yaar?”
“Tea would be good. I’m afraid there is nothing cultural about the name. “Bobby” is because I am a bobby, (obviously), and when I was younger it was a nick name that me and my best friend called each other for some unknown reason; “Dazzler” because I am so great and good looking! Sorry… I just like the phrase Bobby Dazzler and I thought it sounded like a good name that people would remember.”
“No need to say sorry. Ah so it is cultural I thought SO; it’s a name you and your friend called each other, that’s kind of nice really.You sound like a Bollywood fellow; Bobby Dazzler! The other day I noted you took on the ever effervescent and enigmatic PC Bloggs. What on earth were you thinking of when you drew swords with PC Bloggs over the issue of bilkings? I know a way of reducing bilkings; we could SELL BIOFUEL FROM MY SHOPS UNDR THE NAME OF TWINING ECOLOGICAL LTD, NO GARAGES, NO BILKINGS.”
“PC Bloggs is a bit scary. I wasn’t expecting the response I got back from her. I will think more carefully next time before commenting on any of her posts again!”
“Too right, that Bloggs is clever and her writing is mind boggling too. I totally agree with you that she’s a bit scary. Do you think we might feel threatened because she wears trousers? In terms of bilkings though, some staff at petrol stations have language difficulties, and Jo public, (criminal), tends to take advantage so we are often left to pick up what might be criminal or civil. Do you have any further suggestions, for PC Bloggs I mean? I have to say Bobby those sunglasses are loud man and it’s kind of dark now and raining here so you can take them off. And those teeth, man they are so white. Do you have a family dentist or something?”
“I think I said all I have to say about bilkings. I don’t see why we should have to waste time investigating something that could be stopped literally over night if the industry decided to change its way of business. The kiosks wouldn’t loose out on extra business because people would still have to go into the shop to pre-pay so I don’t see what the problem is.”
“I was more interested in the family dentist yaar. Yes, but have you sort of made up with PC Bloggs? Also tell me what do you make of our resident DC Jack Night, Nightjack, or Jack?”
“With regards to Jack, I like his postings. He comes across as an old school D, very down to earth and does not give the impression that he is better than uniform just because he wears a suit, (or open collar shirt and smart casual trousers as the case may be.)”
“Bobby I do agree about Jack night; he is new style, he opens his wallet too leaving me to flee. I think we had better go though it looks like Sir Ian has lost his round yaar, can you hear him shouting at his Staff? I can hear the “yes sir, no sir in the corridor.” And look Sir Ian is hitting them with a copy of The Twining Chronicles. Where did he get that from? Quick throw him one of these and let’s be off. Yes and trip up that Staff Officer on the way out, yes, just like this…”
And as I showed Bobby a ninja trip, the Staff Officer fell to the floor, the worse for wear, alcohol related of course, on Sir Ian; I then took my humble copy of The Twining Chronicle’s from the fair haired man and handed him a miniature Big Ben, a Twining Gong, and we were gone…..like Arabians in the night….”Twining, did you pay for the use of the offices at NSY,” Bobby Dazzler asked. “No yaar, like why should we, I thought we’d make off,” I said.