The Station Sergeant

December 17, 2008

If you want a laugh in policing then we, here at The Twining Chronicles, recommend that you take a peek at one of the grumpiest police columnists ever. Some say he has so many wrinkles that his face looks like the creaks of the rocky mountains in the United States. We think he uses oil of ulay every night.

Others say his frown over the pay issue was so penetrating that it knocked the Princess of Darkness, (Jacqui Smith), off her perch and into a state of frenzy and cuddles when he wrote about pay and cannabis usage amongst Parliamentarians. Some say that Jeremy Clarkson is  a blood relative. Well? We, here, only know of him as the Station Sergeant. And we love him,  (in a very non gay way of course).

So who is the infamous one? We believe he’s a uniformed career Sergeant with 26 years service. OK maybe 27. We’d say his 5’10” tall, of plump build and has a receding hair line, as well as a moustache. We are reliably informed that in good Christmas cheer our very own Station Sergeant has pledged to buy a few doughnuts for his team, and we also hope that at this cheery time of the year he might be able to muster up a small smile prior to unleashing some well earned “mickey taking” out of Norman Bettison, and the HMIC, (the men in suits), in the New Year.  

We also think he is going to write about the arrogance sometimes shown in CID, the career cha walas in the police service and the pankha walas that follow like sheep. Looking forward we have been duly informed that Boris Johnson’s fair hairstyle and meddling politics will be a subject that our Sergeant wants to try and unravel early in 2009.  Let’s wait and see. Hugh Muir, I hope you are reading this. If you want to be like Station Sergeant here are 1o interventions you might consider.

(1) Shave your hair so it appears balding.

(2) Grow a moustache; not if you are a lady!

(3) Use make up to create scary cracks in your face.

(4) Make sure your shirts are so crisp that when you walk the crisp sound ensures probationer’s know you are on your way and they can shake with fear before you get to them.

(5) Never smile, ever!

(6) Never say to any colleague that you love them. Certainly never ever say it to the SMT.

(7) Give all probationers a weekly telling off.

(8) Bring forth doughnuts. 

(9) Never attend SMT and staff office meetings.

(10) And parade your shift in full regalia and standing to attention at least three times during a shift outside the Super’s office.


  1. That actually made me laugh – I take it you are referring to yourself…?

  2. No, no ASNT, I am referring to the column in Police Review. There is some fellow called the Station Sergeant who takes the pee brilliantly. He calls the Home Secretary the Princess of Darkness. Bloody scary fellow too. It’s good to laugh though.

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