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Exclusive interview with Miss Chapati

February 2, 2009

On his travels, you have to say this bit with an American accent from the 1970’s…On his travels around the UK the UK Police Sergeant, only known as Sergeant T Twining went to the Metropolis of London one day and there in Brick Lane he met a young woman by the name of Miss Chapati. In search of an exclusive interview they met at John’s Fish and Chip shop on Brick lane itself. When he walked in he knew that Chapati was there, he stood in his 1970’s clobber and leather jacket, wearing optional sunglasses and she was draped in her Bollywood clad Sari. They had just brought chips.

All of a sudden she squirted ketchup all over him. “It was an accident,” she said. “Honest. The best start to any great friendship really.”

“Well Chapati,” said the great Sergeant T Twining, “Thanks for that, but tell our readers us about your line of work. As a specialist in birds, what is your specialism?”

She responded with a glint in her eyes, “They’re shrewd, they’re rare, and they have the look about them. You know…the… ‘Ha! I’m thinking strange thoughts and you’re never going to know what they are look….I want to know what they’re thinking.”

“Gees,” said the Sergeant is that what actuary’s do? Wow! You have received raving reviews from Night Jack and Area Search No Taste, I mean Trace. What would you like to say to these fine colleagues of mine?”

“Well,” said Chapati. “Thanks for the raving reviews! You’re both mad, and amazing. Thanks for keeping our streets safe. Or at least safer. No offence or anything, but wish we didn’t need people to do your job.”

“Nightjack, Area Search are you listening? What would you like to say to Sergeant T Twining then?”

“Vinegar mate?”

“So, what do you cook well? I mean do you cook food?”

“Chapatis of course,” replied the blonde damsel.

“Apart from Chips, do tell me, what is your favourite food?”

“Chapatis..duh!”

With a flutter of his eyebrows James Bond style Twining then said to her, “Tell us about your blog? And what is this about the mother in law?”

“Well my blog…it’s just a random mish-mash of anything really, from rants about how people abuse the ambulance service, explorations into religious festivals, writing about my new-found cyber friends, explaining my life-story, and so on…whatever takes my fancy on the day really! My mother in law? Well, she doesn’t exist yet. Or rather, she does exist, somewhere out there…I’ve just yet to meet her. I’m sure I will at some point – fate will bring us together, for when it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. When I do I need to make sure I never drive her to google ‘bad daughter in-law’. I need to be really careful to make sure that doesn’t happen. She’ll very quickly hit my blog if she does, simply because of a joke I decided to share once. That thought makes me rather uncomfortable! Hmmm….I think it’s safer to make sure my mother-in-law is the type who can’t work out how to switch a computer on to be honest!”

And Sergeant T just looked at her, jaw dropped, Chapati then just proceeded to slap him.

“So why do you write Chapati?”

“My life randomly decided to start vaguely resembling an episode of Eastenders some time back, and partly because of that, partly because of boredom at work (boss, if you’re reading I’m kidding…), I began to write. I discovered the world of blogs and realised ‘hey…other people write randomly too!’ A few months on….well, here I am – over sharing my life and my thoughts over cyberspace and completely addicted! I have met some really great people, have found out I really enjoy writing, and I know now I’ll keep going even when this little Eastenders stint is over! I really don’t like Eastenders, it’s kind of intense and really quite irritating, so I hope it’s over soon!”

Finally, ultimately Sergeant Twining raised the question, He knew she wasn’t married so he asked her outright, “Have you got a book offer yet?”

“No. Wow, flattered you even thought to ask. I’d love one! I really didn’t realise I’d like writing as much as I do – doing so to reach some kind of wider audience would be great! I mean, I’ve got all sorts of wonderful life philosophies to share…who wouldn’t be interested!?”

“Right madam, have you paid for the Chips yet? I’m off. And by the way if you need a manager I can get you a book deal.”

Now you have to say this bit with an American accent remember. And with a swift movement of his feet, and a bhangra shuffle that would embarrass Bhangraman Sergeant T Twining made for the door to make off out of the Chippy leaving Chapati to pick up the £5.00 bill. And soon he was on his way negotiating the streets of London in his trusty steed, his Nissan Sunny, bringing traffic to a standstill as the oil burning Nissan showed signs of its age and no oil.

“Adios, miss,” he said to Chapati and he was gone in search of Stressed Out Cop for another mega exclusive interview. Watch this space…

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11 comments

  1. 🙂 Yay! Thanks for interviewing me Twining. I take requests for autographs…


  2. Sergeant T Twining Miss…


  3. Are you sure she is female this time?


  4. It may be me but I found parts of this “interview’ quite disturbing in the characterisation of the subject. Why link a Bollywood sari with the pseudonym Chapati (a piece of thick, unleavened bread)?

    In doing so you do no favours either to yourself or the subject of your interview. It is felt that the whole article is full of pre-set pieces (Indians females and mothers-inlaw, etc.) that Trevor Phillips would spend several sleepless nights worrying about this. You can, and have, done better. Please return to your earlier standards.


  5. This is probably the most entertaining interview I’ve ever read. Very enjoyable! Best wishes.


  6. Plodnomore – Apologies. In terms of Bollywood Sari and Chapati, I had no intended pun. I am sure of that.

    Chapati’s are a thin bread and very very light. I should know my mum and wife make them and I still can’t cook. And noting Chapati’s work this wonderful person is just a brilliant blog writer.The mother in law matter was a take on something Chapati had written. There are still issues within the community about Asian mother in laws and unfortunately we have to deal with these issues. These matters still cause domestics and sometimes if the control is strong the potential dangers to females, young females, that are victims of forced marriages, is severe.

    The fact is, had Chapati turned up for our meeting, she probably would not have worn a Sari in some parts of Brick Lane in the height of the hatred towards Asian people. I did once own a Nissan Sunny and I have seen plenty a Nissan with oil burning.

    And the purpose of this piece was to also understand stereotypes, have some fun, and note that some stereotypes have been true in the past, but we can’t always apply past stereotypes to the future.

    Annette – If I was to place Chapati in some sort of descriptive box I would say this individual may be a professional but she cares about community issues. Now that strikes a cord with me, and is a rare rare quality. Chapati is mose definately a lady.

    Tanya – Hello and welcome – I have been likened to Parkinson in the past, by many many people, but sadly for only about 5 minutes that is.


  7. Parkinson – you mean Northern?

    You do seem to spend a lot of time in the Smoke, I reckon you secretly like it.

    Sounds like a good meal though. Did you have drinky poos afterwards?


  8. ASNT – no I left Chapati with the bill and legged it! I had to consider driving back in this snow you know. I do like the Met. I think it’s a difficult job there, and I like you too. Take care my friend. Be safe. Who is this Northern character?


  9. Parky is a Barnsley lad, just wondered if you too hailed from North of the Watford Gap.


  10. North, South, East, West of Watford; man Watford is the doldrums!


  11. I have just met Chapati myself and know that we will be friends for a long time.

    Loved the interview – didn’t care about the racial slur – and aren’t all Nissan’s the same?

    I owned one for many a year until someone (not me) did the timing chain in….grrrrrrr.



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