Sergeant Twining meets Noddy

Recently I was invited up to wee Scotland to meet up with a famous police blogger known only as Noddy. In my trusted steed, my Nissan, I made my way up, driving through the sleet and snow! Yes, it snows in Autumn up there, it’s so near Iceland!

Anyway, when I got there my sat nav brought me to a place called Toytown where the cars were big and everyone wore brightly coloured clothes. There was big ears, and yellow cars. At Noddy’s house we had tea yaar. This is what Noddy said.

Q “How do you say, “Sergeant Twining you are cool in Scottish?”” 

A “Greetings PeePee, In Doric it would be “Fit a grand loon.””

Q “Say it again, say it again Noddy, one more time. Fit a grand loon. I like that loon. So, what is it with you and Burma and the anti discrimination logo on your site?”

A “Burma – nasty, nasty junta! Anti-discrimination – easy.  Try spending a few years in Englandshire as a wee bairn!”

Q “Don’t get me wrong, I quite like the logo, reminds me of Scotland but tell, me, who is this Miss pink cat? Is she a police officer?”

A “She’s a babe!  Try http://www.noddy.com for more info.”

Q “So, she’s like Jo, (PCSO Bloggs), Does she like the pink panther?”

A “Twining fit a grand look she’s more into Black panthers.”

Q “Say it again, say it again, fit a grand loon. Noddy also, tell me about Mangalore mayhem, they make me laugh. What about you?”

A “Moustachioed Mayhem more like – check their SMT at

http://toytown.wordpress.com/2007/07/04/moustache-mystique. Also don’t go near wells in India.”

Q “Wells. Tell me about it, those cops in India are kind of scary. It’s the RAF moustaches you see, but the blog is quite funny really. it’s just so factual, today there were 2 incidents of robbery, and one reported RTC. Classic. So, what are the problems you face in Scotland in relation to race?”

A “Very few up these parts and generally the Polis have good relationships wiout any need for schooling on the art of diversity.  Scots have always mixed well.”

Q “Yeah right, I agree Scots mix well, and they always have their wallets well hidden. Is this your round dude? What did you say man? What is your favourite food by the way? Is it roti?”

A “Aberdeen Angus Steak.  Medium rare please!”

Q “I like Pizza myself and roti of course. So about Scotland, what is the best place to visit in Scotland and why?”

A “If I had to pick one place it would be Assynt, but Mull, Harris and Glencoe get a worthy shout.  It’s just spectacular scenery and instant chill.”

Q “You mean you want to send me to a colder place than this dude? Chill. Is your heating on?  How is Mrs Noddy? Will she put the heating on if I ask her nicely?

A  ”She’s Nipping my heid tae get aff the computer and dae the hoovering!”

When someone, anyone mentions the word hoover, it’s like de-ja-vous to me. It was like a nightmare to imagine an Asian man hoover. I asked Noddy where I would be sleeping and he showed me the spare room. I looked to see if Blair was sitting in the corner before I snuggled down with my whisky. Oh, twas a cold cold night. The next morning I checked to see if the locals had made off with my Nissan. Thank god it wasn’t a Vauxhall I thought. It was still there. “See you Noddy, I said.”