THE TWINING CHRONICLES - BRITISH, POLICING, RACE, LIFE, ALL THROUGH THE EYES OF A BLACK OFFICER

…..was what the Chief said to their Staff Officer,  “They are a bit too dry…these events…you know.” “Don’t worry boss,” the Staff Officer replied. And along came the next ceremony……The Chief was talking the recipients and parched for thirst the  Chief picked up the glass of water laid on the side with lemon and ice. He began to drink; the voice cords needed this. It is suggested that the Chief smiled. Our Chief smiles alot.

Yes, this is lively, thought the Chief looking at the Staff Officer who was giggling in the corner of the room. Rumour has it, the glass of water was not water at all; but gin and tonic. Now, how many Chiefs might admit to this? And yes, I am also led to believe it was Indian Tonic water that was plied with the drop of gin.

What is the difference between vehicle interference and criminal damage to motor vehicles? Answers on a post card please.  If someone smashes a side window why should we necessarily assume that their intention,  on a balance of probability, was to steal from the vehicle, steal the vehicle or TWOC it.

OK, so the side window is smashed, no entry is gained, therefore there is no search and there is no laptop on the front seat, is it OK to suggest since there is a stereo inside then the intent must have been to steal? In terms of classification I think vehicle interference sits with theft and criminal damage sits with vehicle crime. Could it be we are trying to show vehicle crime as dropping by showing most damages to cars as vehicle interference? Now, that can’t be, for that might be “spin.” 

It was a Sunday morning; the birds were chirping; we met just outside New Scotland Yard. Knowing full well that the Commissioner would be golfing I decided to ply the Staff Officer’s to Sir Ian Blair with Russian vodka especially brought to us by that Abramovich for Noddy, who then donated it to me. I knew Staff Officer’s could be bought,  but this easily? We were shortly led to some plush offices at NSY.

Posing as an Arabian King and a bodyguard our hosts appeared BEDAZZLED as they drank MY vodka and remembered Sir Ian. “Don’t you just love  these high chairs,” I said to Bobby. “You look good dressed as an Arabian King,” he replied. I don’t think Staff Officer’s can see further than their own careers I thought, hmmm, as I looked at my drinking fellows and the views over Victoria. PC Dazzler and me,  well we just chatted.  

“So Bobby, Bobby’s like a name of a dog, not that you are a dog, that would not be politically correct of me to say that. It would be “dogist” and I am sure you are not a dog because dog’s can’t write and you write exceptionally. Where did you find this name? Naming is so much a cultural matter; please do explain to us how culturally you have come about with the name Bobby Dazzler because I am baffled. Shall we have some Tea yaar?” 

“Tea would be good. I’m afraid there is nothing cultural about the name.  ”Bobby” is because I am a bobby, (obviously), and when I was younger it was a nick name that me and my best friend called each other for some unknown reason; “Dazzler” because I am so great and good looking!  Sorry… I just like the phrase Bobby Dazzler and I thought it sounded like a good name that people would remember.”

“No need to say sorry. Ah so it is cultural I thought SO; it’s a name you and your friend called each other, that’s kind of nice really.You sound like a Bollywood fellow; Bobby Dazzler! The other day I noted you took on the ever effervescent and enigmatic PC Bloggs. What on earth were you thinking of when you  drew swords with PC Bloggs over the issue of bilkings? I know a way of reducing bilkings; we could SELL BIOFUEL FROM MY SHOPS UNDR THE NAME OF TWINING ECOLOGICAL LTD, NO GARAGES, NO BILKINGS.”

“PC Bloggs is a bit scary.  I wasn’t expecting the response I got back from her.  I will think  more carefully next time before commenting on any of her posts again!”

“Too right, that Bloggs is clever and her writing is mind boggling too. I totally agree with you that she’s a bit scary. Do you think we might feel threatened because she wears trousers? In terms of bilkings though, some staff at petrol stations have language difficulties, and Jo public, (criminal), tends to take advantage so we are often left to pick up what might be criminal or civil. Do you have any further suggestions, for PC Bloggs I mean? I have to say Bobby those sunglasses are loud man and it’s kind of dark now and raining here so you can take them off. And those teeth, man they are so white. Do you have a family dentist or something?”

“I think I said all I have to say about bilkings. I don’t see  why we should have to waste time investigating something that could be stopped literally over night if the industry decided to change its way of business. The kiosks wouldn’t loose out on extra business because people would still have to go into the shop to pre-pay so I don’t see what the problem is.”

“I was more interested in the family dentist yaar. Yes, but have you sort of made up with PC Bloggs? Also tell me what do you make of our resident DC Jack Night, Nightjack, or Jack?”

“With regards to Jack, I like his postings.  He comes across as an old school D, very down to earth and does not give the impression that he is better than uniform just because he wears a suit, (or open collar shirt and smart casual trousers as the case may be.)” 

“Bobby I do agree about Jack night,;he is new style, he opens his wallet too leaving me to flee. I think we had better go though it looks like Sir Ian has lost his round yaar, can you hear him shouting at his Staff? I can hear the “yes sir, no sir in the corridor.”  And look Sir Ian is hitting them with a copy of The Twining Chronicles. Where did he get that from? Quick throw him one of these and let’s be off. Yes and trip up that Staff Officer on the way out, yes, just like this…”

And as I showed Bobby a ninja trip, the Staff Officer fell to the floor, the worse for wear, alcohol related of course, on Sir Ian; I then took my humble copy of  The Twining Chronicle’s from the fair haired man and handed him a miniature Big Ben, a Twining Gong, and we were gone…..like Arabians in the night….”Twining, did you pay for the use of the offices at NSY,” Bobby Dazzler asked. “No yaar, like why should we, I thought we’d make off,” I said. 

I got some feedback on my HR post which I thought I would share with you. “Very good. I’m also very cynical about HR - look at their name: Human Resources. Says it all really. They are there as an organisation’s iron fist but like to pretend they are all very touchy feely and there to defend employees’ rights too. In my experience the reality couldn’t be more different. They also tend to be staffed by people with no skills, talent or idea about the real world but once they get in there they all end up thinking they are privvy to some kind of higher knowledge about human psychology. Lots of private companies make job applicants do psychometric tests which tend to be brought at the behest of these hugely expensive HR departments in an attempt to justify their existence. They think these tests illuminate the inner workings of someone’s mind but in fact they just give companies a reason not to employ people. They are the ultimate emperor’s new clothes.” Twining’s view is that HR can be systemic, academic, and ruthless. HR - is just a method of control; another control mechanism to protect the keeper’s of the system. Guess who was texting in the previous post?

Some time ago at a remembrance day event for the Holocaust, I was humbled to hear a survivor talk. Well I would say he was a survivor because he was a child then; his parents sent him and his sister’s to the UK knowing what their end might be. The children kept in touch with their parents; but the parents didn’t survive. They became victims of the holocaust; and the holocaust is something that some until recently still deny occurred.

Hearing the speakers then I was left thinking, what was worse, the holocaust or the subsequent denial by some people that the holocaust ever occurred. A Jewish person I know described this denial after the event as a “double murder,” but we wouldn’t understand that, would we?

What the main speaker said was unbelievable in that, in our time we actually allowed the massacre of one ethnic group in this way. The Church, people of God, even they did not stand up for fear. One therefore wonders how the Church stands up now against hatred, or does it still remain in itself.

During this presentation I seemed to note  that the person sitting besides me, whom I had some respect for prior to what I saw, even if it was a little respect, was continuously texting someone and smiling at the texts. I was horrified. I was note taking so this really annoyed me. Lest we forget.

This was no ordinary person though, this was someone senior-ish, and not a police officer. Baffled, I later thanked one senior colleague and was led by this senior person to to thank the person that was texting……I assume they had no idea that the texting had occurred.

Bemused, I did something I should not have done, I thanked this person, but for allowing the event. It was remiss of me to thank this person, I should have told them exactly what I thought. I would therefore really like to withdraw my thanks now and say what I really feel but I am not allowed to.

Is this what value some people place on the holocaust? This was arrogant and ethnocentric behaviour of the worst type. If I had said this was racism I would have been hung dried and quartered. These same people may say that they care, but really do they care? It was jus rude.

I write this now having seen Chelsea win and I respect Avram Grant because the Holocaust was remembered in Israel on the day of the great match between Liverpool and Chelsea. Avram’s father buried his parents with his bare hands, but we wouldn’t know because we are too busy texting. The hypocrisy of it all…..These are the same people that hold some power over race portfolios.

I will say now what I could not say back then, these people, these types of people are not only ignorant but they are abhorrent, and two faced. And thankfully for the operational officer at our level most will not behave in this derogatory way. We have come some way as colleagues, but some of our leaders have not……The fact is they hold the keys to change, why oh why?

I know why people often say please don’t mimic our history and our roots? And even though people alive were not responsible in some way, shape or form, their ancestors were indeed responsible, and I am afraid that texting in this way is not the way to take responsibility.

This week the humble Sergeant Twining drove all the way to Luton and met up with 200 weeks. Why Luton, well, only God knows that?  We met early doors in a cafe off of the main M1 right next to a MOT testing station so that I could sit and interview 200 weeks at the same time. 

We had breakfast and waited for my car to be MOT’d. In amongst the smell of oil and petrol we ate, the old geezer had a full English, whilst I had cha,  paratha, and lemon pickle.

This is how the interview went…..I started by asking 200 weeks, “Tell me 200 old bean, when do you retire? Er and is that a real RAF moustache you sport? Are you Indian?

A “Walls have ears, I am therefore limited to saying I have between  34,512,073,846 &  25,665,094,004 milliseconds before I retire, no make that 34,512,071,232, no 34,512,069,985 no…….”

Q “Do you think I can get a deal here with my MOT? Oh my god! You mean Chiefs have eyes and ears and you mean PSD’s are watching and hearing through walls now? Hmm, I thought they had Staff Officer’s for that role….. Dude, my maths is so bad, but what you have answered here appears to be some sort of meteorological code; a bit like the goodness gracious me you tube video I posted some time ago.I say, “Chak-de” I like a police officer that has a the ability to confuse staff offices with figures. Excellent. And, what is the favourite car you have owned and like why? Is it a Datsun? If it isn’t what do you remember about the Japanese cars of the 70’s?”

A “The car I have owned I liked best was German. I liked it because it was red, and fast. I don’t remember the Japanese cars of the 70s though my dad told me about them.”

Q “I knew it, I absolutely knew it, you have been watching that darned program again; which I quite like; Ashes to Ashes. It’s a Red Datsun Sunny you like, right? I love those too. So cool. I had one once. Red and fast, well, isn’t it? So, what will you miss most about the service when you become a full time painter and decorator, when you retire that is? I remember my uncle had a 180bSSS; it shifted.”

A “I will miss the free T shirts. For the first time in 30 years I will have to go and buy a shirt. Just to help me through I  put in for my annual allocation of 3 shirts in April, I will put in for 3 more in May and probably 3 more in August, the records stores keep are so poor they’ll probably give them to me. I also have 16 unopened shirts in my wardrobe! When I retire I’ll just tell everyone I’m a security guard on my way home whenever I see anyone. I suppose I could wear them backwards for my painting & decorating, just like I wore my dad’s shirts backwards at infant school.”

Q “You wore your dad’s shirts backwards, would you do the same with our shirts? So, that’s 3 + 3 + er? I hate maths…..So, what is your deal with Monday books?”

A “The same as yours…non existent.”

Q “Well, erm, er, OK, thanks for that! Let’s set up a Support Association,  the Police Bloggers Association, (PBA). What do you say to that 200? If you had a chance to say something to Jacqui Smith, apart from a street caution for cannabis, (detected of course), what might it be?  And no, it cannot be in Swahili. Do you think Smith will support the PBA, she doesn’t support the BPA!”

A “I’d say, it’s no wonder you got voted out, you were piss poor.”

Q You mean Jacqui was piss poor, what er big big poor or just poor poor? If she’s big big poor that’s bad. She lost her seat in Redditch too. So what is she doing in the Cabinet I wonder; perhaps they just employ some incompetent people tokenistically? Shall we give her a Twining GONG? Hey 200 weeks I have to go………Ciao. My car has passed it’s MOT…..See you 200 weeks…..And with that I was gone……back onto the motorway my car rusting a little and providing good ecomony; but not before myself and Clouseau had searched for the GONG and that dreaded Smithy.